I feel a bit lost at the moment. I don’t really know how to describe it. I’m ok, but then also not. I have moments where I’m excited and happy and even on a level, but then moments where I cry and mourn. For so many reasons, it’s been hard coming here. I was excited and it is good but then things happened, we were suddenly on our own, dad died and then I was hit by grief, homesickness and regrets about not being there and not getting back in time and other things. Adjusting to a new place and meeting your own doubts and feelings of inadequacy can be hard too. Getting past it is also hard, but doable. We all seem to have this image of going somewhere and it’ll be ‘great’ and what we always wanted and of doing great things, but in practice it’s actually harder work than that. There is nothing wrong with hard work, but like it says..it can be hard..
There’s so much to do here, Chris is out at work a lot, I find myself not doing much in the house sometimes because I don’t know ‘what’ to do. It’s difficult to clean because of the amount of stuff stacked and I also don’t actually have much inclination, because I also have to make sure the children are safe in the house whilst I’m doing it, keeping track of a 2 year old whilst you’re hoovering upstairs is actually not that easy. And combined with a 4 year old, I often start doing things and then don’t complete them or end up leaving things around because I’ve dived off to deal with something else.. Most parents will probably identify. I am actually ok with this, I love being with the kids, but it’s adjusting to what is actually possible which is sometimes frustrating and an ongoing process.
Also, there’s practical things like – how long will the oil last for the heating? can we afford to have it filled? (we actually can at the moment). Am I giving the children enough attention? What are we to do about the trees? When are we supposed to do this or that? What if this? What if that? haha. How am I supposed to structure our days? Are they warm enough at night? Are they watching too much TV? Am I actually giving proper attention? When am I supposed to have time with God? Have we got milk? (the nearest corner shop is a couple of miles away). where is everything???(we put things down and they go missing at the moment, I think because there’s stuff everywhere). This is also all part of our learning I think, to trust God fully.
AND! why is there so much stuff. going on in the world and why are people so obsessed with it. On my opening page on the laptop browser, there’s so many headlines and so many of them are about people’s appearances, work they’ve had done, opinions on just nothing really, speculation designed to rile people up. Trouble is, it works… it’s such a distraction from what is important. What matters? I think this is such an important question.
I’m just glad we have God in the midst of this confusing, worrying world. Our rock who we look to in times of trouble, or anytime really. He sometimes doesn’t feel real or like he is there. But He is. He really, really is. And He makes everything calm down again, he deals with the cracks and life starts to make sense again. Our dwelling place is with Him, not with all this stuff. Not in arguments or disagreements, not in point scoring and trying to say things are right when they’re not. He is the meaning and why we are all here.
I look at my kids and I see Him, I speak to people whilst out and God works, albeit in small ways a lot of the time, but very significant ways. I spend more time with Him really, than I ever have, I just often don’t see it. I’m quieter than I ever have been in a lot of ways. We spend quite a bit of time driving and He is there and we talk to Him. In the quiet of the night (and it is very quiet here at night), He is here, in the everyday doings, in my secret crying and laughter, He is here. He gives us joy in the midst of everything, and this joy is deeper and so much more than just being ‘happy’.
One other thing, these are normal, natural reactions to huge changes and just need to be worked through and actually acknowledged.
I see a lot of posts which seem to be saying how we should be, whether Christian or none Christian. What I will say is, God meets us where we are. We just have to be willing to meet Him or at least open to the possibility. He understands us and He knows us and works in us. I have a very simple prayer now, that my day is His. I try and take every moment as just being His. This takes the pressure off and keeps it simple.
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
This is a get it out of me post and my own opinion…:D whether you like it or don’t like it, may God bless you completely and utterly and bring you into or further into His Kingdom.
Bye for now!