Be still

Be still and know that I am God.

(Psalm 46:10)

I feel really stressed a lot of the time at the moment and I don’t really know why. I find it difficult to settle in one spot and just enjoy the moments. I feel wound up and tense a lot of the time. I’m trying to learn to be still. To listen to God again, to just be with him, no matter what I’m doing, where I’m going or what is going on.

Gods peace is something else, it is actually unexplainable unless you’ve experienced it and his presence. It’s what I want and know it’s what I need, but actually sitting with him and just simply being, is hard at the moment. It shouldn’t be, but it is. I can be sat in the sunshine with my kids and instead of enjoying it and being present, I start worrying or my mind wanders.

I think God is working in me, I feel a bit like dough at the moment. I make pizza most Saturdays using bread dough and when you roll it out it keeps shrinking back into its original shape, but eventually rolls out and stays there. So I think what I’m feeling at the moment is part of a bigger change that he is working in me. So I can be present with him, with my family and with others and partake of the actual freedom that he gives.

I want to see God move, I want to see miracles, signs and wonders, people healed in loads of different ways. I want people to know the miraculous, healing love of my saviour Christ and that he is for them. I want to recognise the ways God moves in every single day, the so called small things, the big things, freedom given to people who need it. This is what I am praying and what I want to step into.

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His mercies are new every morning

It’s 1.40 pm and I’m sat in the car at Clumber Park near Worksop. In the car park that over looks the cricket ground. Both kids have fallen asleep on the way and are snoring in the back.

It’s a gorgeous day, the wind is blowing through the windows, the sun is shining, Clumber is beautiful and a lady who’s just got out of the car that pulled up next to us, just told me through the window that we were listening to the same music. That made me cry a little. At Gods goodness.

We’ve had a bit of a dreadful morning. J had a meltdown on the little park opposite our house, I then had a meltdown and everything turned/felt terrible. I didn’t react properly or well to J and then hated myself.

Yet Jesus still loves me.

Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.

That’s what I was listening to.

Just that word from the lady, that statement that seems like nothing, made me melt at the reality and love of God and the large family he places us/me in.

We got here (Clumber), I still feel raw and upset and like I’m rubbish. But I’m sat in the car, listening to worship music, with our two boys snoring in the back. With the sun glinting on all the leaves of the trees all around and everything is good.

God is good, I’m not crap, I just acted in a bit of a crap way because I was stressed. I belong to God and He will never leave me or let me down.

I am Gods.

Thank you God that your mercies extend to me, that you pick me back up and dust me off, that you love me and forgive me and change me.

Thank you.

(Apparently our church preach was on this subject this week (feeling like you’re crap ) but I haven’t had a chance to listen yet).

I’m going to miss this..

Ive been bed sharing with my littlest since he was born really. The main reason was it was a lot easier to get sleep, he could feed without disturbing us both too much and it seemed very natural. It’s been lovely.

However, we are feeling the time has come to re introduce him to his cot. I think it is anyway (I keep changing my mind). So I am meant to be starting this tonight. So I am trying to prepare myself for a couple of weeks of very disturbed nights and some crying. He is such a happy, cuddly little thing, I’m really hoping this doesn’t change. Plus, I really will miss him next to me. He really doesn’t like the cot, even if I put him in so I can get dressed, he cries.

One of the reasons we want to do it now is at the moment we have a single bed alongside ours, but in the new house we may not be able to do this, so it only seems fair to re introduce the cot now. He is also still feeding a lot at night. I know there’s very mixed views on this, whether it’s right or whether it’s wrong…when you google about sleep there is loads of conflicting advice.

I did a version of controlled crying with J, but I don’t think I can face that again, so I’m going to try a gentler approach, which may take longer but I will be happier with. Having said that, J does sleep really well so I guess it did work. This time, I’m just going to play it by ear. Literally…the baby has a very loud cry…

So I may be sleep deprived for a bit.. forgive me if I’m emotional. I get very emotional when I’m tired…

Getting ready now!

So today has been productive but stressful. (I have been really stressing). The piano was collected and moved today, this firm turned up and were great! Unlike the one the other day.., And the chickens have been rehomed, but only after the original person who said he wanted them didn’t turn up. Another man was very keen and seemed to know what he was doing and was experienced with chickens, so we have given them to him.

bye bye chickens! It has been a pleasure!

I’ve also been trying to sort books out. I’m a bit of a book hoarder, so I find it difficult to ‘release’ books. But I’ve been quite good (for me) and I also have a few that I need to read and then get rid of.

I just need to finish the Shetland series (which I’ve loved! And I’m on the last book now) then I’m moving onto these. The Shetland ones are on my kindle though, so don’t count as baggage.

Probably still need to re go through the remaining real books though….probably need to let go of a few more…

It’s Friday!

State of play! – the engineers report didn’t really come up with anything we weren’t expecting so it is still all systems go….the main problem in the cottage being damp and a lack of ventilation. We were prepared for that. We also need to get oil fired heating installed, which we had planned for. The report was really helpful, the engineer suggested solutions and told us who to get in touch with for grants for insulation etc. We are waiting for our PPS numbers, and the pet passports (rabies shots) are sorted.

We’ve answered another question from our buyer’s solicitors so are waiting to hear back from them again and I think that is all the news on the move for now.

Its only just dawned on me that if we move to Ireland we are emigrating. That seems weird…

Uphill! slowly…

This whole move feels almost painful at times, a combination of pointless questions being asked about where we live and having to push, push, push for every little thing in relation to moving…It’s only a little thing really today, I’d booked to have the piano moved across town, they were meant to come mid-morning, they didn’t show..didn’t reply to my emails…have not been. I was so looking forward to having another thing gone out of the house, but never mind, we will just have to use another company or way.

The engineer’s report is ready on the Irish Cottage and I’ve paid our bill via a special company because the payments have to be in Euro’s. You pay into your account with them in GBP and they convert it to Euro’s and pay it to the recipient. So we will have the report shortly. That is good.

Jesus Messiah, name above all names….My littlest loves that song when he is going to sleep at night…I love it too…It feels so good saying Jesus name.

Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

Isaiah 53:4-6