I want to blog without thinking what people think..

I’m going to just post on here today (not f book) and if people want to read they’ll come find it. What I’m finding is, I’m almost secretly in the back of my mind, tailoring content and probably not always putting what I actually want to put, possibly because of what people may think or comment. So here goes.

I’ve just been worshipping on my flute and got onto ‘waiting here for you’ by Christy Nockels. While I was playing, I suddenly remembered that I walked down the aisle to this song, with my dad. Arm in arm. I also realised, I didn’t take enough notice of him that day, I took him for granted. He was delighted, I know that, I noticed that much, he was beaming and happy and did an absolutely awesome speech afterwards. He did a poem from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin about love and what it actually is. The words are actually very true. I realise that now more than I did then. I thought I understood, but I didn’t. I also know that this realisation and memory this morning wrecked me, as in sobbing, heart and gut wrenching pain of missing him and wanting him back. You know what else I’m realising? This is fine. We don’t have to get over anything, we need to live with it, but I don’t need to not feel it, in fact I NEED to feel it, to help recover and move on with living and the realisation again that life is fleeting. This realisation has hit me so much over the last year, I have to battle fear quite regularly. Fear of losing people, fear of not being good enough, fear of not living life to the full, of wasting it. Thing is, this fear, actually takes up a lot of time and energy so does waste time, so I look at Jesus and it goes. Sometimes after a while of wallowing and battling.

I guess I’ve had a lot of change over the years and in the last year, we’ve had another massive one (moving etc). So with it all combined, there’s a lot there. I need to move slow, to trust Jesus, to love Him with all I have. He makes me peaceful. He makes me loving. Without Him or without abiding in Him, I am empty. He fills me and loves me and makes it better. He also lets me feel pain and grieve. He then helps me to love others well.

I guess we can learn from Him.