Category: heart and mind

Autumn time!

I love autumn. We’ve been out today and there’s just a change in the air, a stillness, a coolness, and it is so beautiful.

I’ve just seen on facebook, someone has put that it is 15 weeks until Christmas (I haven’t checked) but 15 weeks?? I really hope we move before that! We could do with getting the place warmed up for a start..

So yesterday we sent off our applications for pps numbers (Personal Public Service number) and I’m hoping I enclosed everything I needed to identification wise and that we hear back soon. We heard from the estate agent and the details of the property have now been released to both solicitors (the sellers and ours) and we are just waiting to get the report from the surveyor. We still haven’t heard anything about our completion date yet, but I’m trusting God that it is his timing and that it is right.

IMG_5938

Why do I find being nice so difficult?

I do.

I confess.

I often find being ‘nice’ difficult. I get irritated and/or impatient and want to correct people, interrupt, or even just leave. Why??!! Other times, not a problem, patience unlimited… (This confession feels a little out there, and if you don’t like soul bearing please stop reading now! but I am telling myself it isn’t just me that feels like this ;))

I am asking God why. I’m sure there are many reasons…

Because I sometimes feel bad about myself or I haven’t identified why I’m upset or irritated and take it out on people. It’s when my identity is confused and I almost step back in time and become like the old Cathy, where bitching and being hard, putting others down and not caring about things was my protection, my shell. If you’re hard and don’t care you fool yourself that things don’t or won’t hurt and you can actually almost fool yourself into believing you don’t care and that the most important thing is to look after number 1 (and family) and that is it. Other people are never (or rarely) for you and cannot be trusted, so get in there first…. it’s when my priorities are mixed up or when I’m plain old tired.

Also, I hate fakeness and it feels fake to be nice when I’m not feeling it. But if I look at others as God’s creations and the precious beings that they are, then surely that should change? I am quite sure it will.

The fact is I get so hurt sometimes it’s unreal. Especially if I have trusted someone and I feel they’ve let me down or deliberately said something to hurt me, or if I think they’ve spoken behind my back. That’s a real deal breaker with me I’m afraid.

But you see, I know that is wrong… other people’s responses are not my responsibility. My response is. My attitude is.

I am called to love, to forgive, to proclaim the love of God and his salvation. To bring healing, to keep peace, to have mercy and show grace. That is who I am. A warrior for God. A peacemaker and healer. A restorer. A worshipper of Jesus. And that is what I will do, by the power of God in me. My mission, should I choose to accept it is to glorify God and show him to others so they can know his goodness and love for themselves. My mission is to keep looking at him and him alone.

He is good. I need to remember he didn’t choose me because of any qualities he put in me… He chose me because it is not his wish that any should perish. He chose me because HE is good, not me. But I now have the ability because of this to live my life differently. Just like you do if you accept him as your saviour. I didn’t go to our church on Sunday, but I did listen to the preach online – which was along these lines… and I feel that God really spoke to me through it.

I choose God. I choose to follow him. I choose to overrule my pride and hurt feelings, difficult though this may be, to follow him and I choose to do what is right. Well, after a little internal struggle maybe…but he usually works it out in me…although sometimes a situation feels impossible and I feel almost paralysed to do anything about it…he works in me/us for good.

And everything is fine…even good, even joyeous!

 

 

 

 

 

Be kind to yourself?

I was thinking this morning, learn to be kind to yourself, you don’t have to do, do, do, you don’t have to get certain things done by a certain time, you don’t even have to indulge in endless activities for the children – that does not make a good parent as far as I’m concerned. Giving time is better I think…However, I then started thinking, is this biblical? I thought, the bible tells us to “die to self” but then God’s grace is for all and he also says to love others as you love yourself.

How does he tell us to love? Love as he has loved us.

How has he loved us? An innocent man (God) died for us, in our place. Through this we have forgiveness of every sin, we have life – before we come to Christ we are dead in our sins and transgressions. We have restoration and freedom, we are back to how it was before the fall. We can walk with God in the garden. Jesus removes the barriers to God, all of them. We have healing, which seems to come in a variety of forms. The main one as I see it is of being restored to God, of the gap being filled, our purpose in this life being revealed. God’s healing is truly holistic, he heals the root causes and true healing then follows. God never papers over the cracks and is always truthful with us, lovingly truthful. God always listens to us and delights in us coming to him, he answers prayer. He delights in us being us (he made us). In short, he heals, he loves, he restores, forgives, accepts, changes us, listens, redeems, comforts us, counsels us, gives us wisdom and grace. I have probably left some points out, but you get the gist.

So how does this translate, before I go off at a complete tangent? How am I supposed to love myself and others without being self seeking and self absorbed? This is the famous scripture that is read at so many weddings:

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind;

love does not envy or boast;

it is not arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way;

it is not irritable or resentful;

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends…

(1 Corinthians 13:1-8)

Doing this without the power of the holy spirit as far as I can see is hopeless. This is the template for love and how it is possible to love and as far as I am concerned it is an amazing checklist. No more fakey, kiss, kiss, type of love, but real, tangible, raw love. Love that requires sacrifice and perseverence, not fake smiles. Love that lasts.

I suppose all this love stuff, also goes hand in hand with the fruits of the spirit – “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control” (Galatians 5:22-23). So, I guess the trick is, abide in God, know who he has made you to be, ask for the fruit of the spirit and follow him. Aha! so easy 😀 haha.

So, back to the original question? is it biblical to be kind to yourself? I guess it is as long as it is being kind and not just indulging your each and every whim. I know I need to look after myself and in particular get rest, because if I don’t everyone suffers! The aim of being kind to myself should really be to show God and His love to others…not just for me to sit here thinking of ways to indulge myself. Outwards facing, not inwards….

On another note, we are definitely off to Ireland next week! I am so excited, I’ve never been before! So many adventures this year, a very different year to previous ones! Life has most definitely been an adventure since knowing God, but this year, things have changed again. “Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done wonderful deeds…” (Ps 98:1)

 

 

 

Joy comes in the morning..

I was listening to worship this morning and there was that line “and joy comes in the morning”. The scripture related to this is the psalm 30 and below is Psalm 30:1-5:

I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up
    and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
    and you have healed me.
O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
    you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.

Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints,
    and give thanks to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment,
    and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.

(The emphasis is mine,it is what speaks to me most this morning)

This is what God has done for me every single time I’ve done it, when I have cried out for help, he has healed me/the situation. So when I am feeling low, when I am in a situation in which I feel there is no way out, I KNOW from previous occasions and from knowing the love of God that all will be fine, no matter how it looks now. A lot of the stuff I worry about actually does not even matter.

This doesn’t mean it is easy, I find it very difficult when I’m lost in whatever has happened, or in circumstances or even my own feelings, but this does not detract from the truth that he heals and restores. He gives joy in the midst of mourning and difficulties as well as in the good times. It is a very weird thing, I’ve tried finding my own joy and it is impossible, but when I look at God, at who he is, at what he says in the bible and in my own quiet (or noisy) times with him, Joy comes.

So look at him, He knows where you are, He knows your tears and your fears and is with you, you don’t have to be any certain way with God. He created you and knows you inside out, every last little bit of you, every thought before you think it, every action. With Jesus, everything you have ever done wrong, everything you are doing wrong, every future sin, is forgiven. He is the giver of life and joy.

I am preaching to myself, yet again too, I’m feeling subdued and a little lacklustre at the moment, I really need to know his goodness and love and I am learning every day that all of this comes from Him. I don’t need to manufacture it myself.

he humbled himself in obedience to God
    and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor
    and gave him the name above all other names,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
 and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father.

(Philippians 2:8-11)

Hello?..after a short break…

So I’ve not written anything for about a week and a half… what to write??

It’s been a fairly busy week or so, celebrating little one’s birthday, with the horrendous one year jabs the day after too. I had no idea until we got there that they now have one in each limb… We’ve also all been ill in some shape or form but are now better and have also knocked a couple of things off the “things to do before leaving” list – we went to Clumber Park, we paddled in the river, I made a very chocolately birthday cake, which was lovely if I may say so myself and just generally been busy with life. I also have a Sozo appointment that has come through and am trying to decide whether to do it.

IMG_5749

We have decided to go and visit Ireland soon to see what it is like and are just waiting on a passport coming through and then we will book. We’ve also had some questions through from our buyer’s solicitor’s and have answered them and are now awaiting a response to that….and hopefully a date at some point…we are still keeping an eye on the property in Scotland too, but nothing is drawing our attention at the moment.

Watch this space.

I just keep reminding myself that God is not just good, He is supreme and in charge and loving and kind. No matter what life throws at us, He is in charge. Our lives are not our own, they have been bought at a price. That price is Jesus. Just printing his name makes me feel better. Jesus. No longer a swear word but the love of our lives.

 

 

Family

I have to be careful today because I feel upset about something (partly my own fault) and what I really want to do is rant, but I made a sort of pledge when I started this that I would try not to use it to slate anyone or anything if I could help it.

Instead I will focus on my beautiful family.

My gorgeous husband, it has been a very tough, busy and awesome five years, we just get stronger and stronger because we are determined just to keep loving and going. He is amazing, he has a quiet strength and an ability not to care what others think that I just don’t have at the moment. He strengthens me through this. He is also brilliant with the children and often has more patience than me.

Our children, determined, lively, gorgeous, future world changers. J is amazing, he prayed for his dad the other day because he stood on a nail, the pain then disappeared. J tells me I’m beautiful when I’m sad (without prompting) and asks me how I am, he says thank you very much when you give him something, he tells you straight if he doesn’t like something, he often creeps in close when he is sat next to you and places his hand on you gently. He has so much empathy and compassion and love in him it is amazing. He is also very sensitive to environments.

The baby is just so so determined, if he wants something he will have it, he is smiley and cuddly and absolutely loves his brother to bits. Smiles and laughs every time he is around him.

We also have two other beautiful children who are not pictured but loved just as much.

And the only other thing I wish to say today is, we do our best. We always do our best. Our kids are going to be world changers, partly because we encourage them, love them and try to love them like God loves us. Mainly because they were made for that, by God.

 

The story so far – August 2018!

Hi. I thought I would put together a bit of a summary of what has happened this year and what is currently happening.

March/April 2018 – we saw a farm/smallholding for sale on an Orkney Island and on further looking realised that property was fairly cheap in this area. We travelled to Orkney at Easter for a week (Chris had his birthday there) and viewed it and a few other houses. None were quite what we wanted but it was a great experience, we had never been in that part of the country before. We also realised it was a completely different lifestyle there, to where we currently are and! that it was doable!

We carried on looking online, monitoring the Orkney area property sites and then just on a whim decided to look at Shetland. We saw an advert for a croft and house, owner occupied, which is a definite bonus. It looked lovely but as we had not yet sold our house we thought there was no point in even looking.

May 2018 – The croft had a closing date advertised of 31st May, we resigned ourselves to the fact that it had gone.

June 2018 – Our house sold, as in went under offer whilst they did/do all the necessary stuff as in survey, searches etc etc. A cash offer so we were presumptive in thinking it would go through quickly.

The croft came back on the market as it had not sold.

We really liked the croft in Shetland, so we booked Chris and his dad onto the overnight ferry from Aberdeen and arranged for them to go and view it, which they did and on coming back and discussing it, we decided to put an offer in via a solicitor.

We also went on holiday to Orkney again for a week, the original plan was to view houses again, but we didn’t think we needed to and also, there wasn’t really anything going we thought was right. We had been spoiled as the land on the croft was quite extensive. Before, we might have settled for a detached bungalow and a plot of land around it, now we had our eyes set on more.

The survey was carried out on our house.

July 2018

Our offer went in to the seller’s solicitor’s at the beginning of July. In the Scottish system (or Shetland) the offer is an actual document, not just an offer.

On the 6th July we received an email saying our offer was acceptable in principle, so we rejoiced!

Chris had an encounter with God which was very powerful and thought God was telling him he would give us the croft. We are now wondering if he meant something slightly different, a different place, a different timing maybe.

But! the very next day we then also we received word that our buyer was now unsure whether to continue with the purchase of our house because of the survey. He decided to send a builder around to have a look and quote him a price for damp proofing.

A builder came round and seemed very positive, then we didn’t hear anything, we presumed no news was good news about selling.

August 2018

We didn’t hear anything on the croft until the 2nd of August when we got an email marked urgent and a requested date of entry being the 31st August (or another mutually agreed date), which was a shock because we had heard nothing for just under a month. When I said we could not yet really give a date because our completion date had not yet been given. The seller of the croft withdrew his acceptance of our offer. On that same day.

The positive thing about this is that we contacted our buyer who confirmed the sale of our house was still going ahead and that they were just starting the searches.

Future…

So, here we are, a potted history of our moving story so far. We are now looking a bit further afield, possibly at Southern Ireland, whilst still keeping an eye on what is going on in Shetland, Orkney and the Highlands. We thought about France, but Chris would need to find work there and we think there would be more chance in Scotland or Ireland.

Also, we keep pushing, but we don’t want to go anywhere that we are not meant to be. So we keep asking God and seeking him but also pushing those doors and seeing what happens.

animal africa zoo lion
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

So we are moving out at some point, but currently don’t have a home to go to. So there is much more of the story to come. I am looking forward to this story unravelling every day and us learning to listen and be with God all the way. He has good plans…

Everything is getting on my nerves today…

It’s one of those days…or weeks really….when everything is getting to me…when I say everything I think I mean stuff that has been brewing under the surface for a while and me letting various things accumulate rather than dealing with them and now I feel angry and upset. I am not going to go into details (and no, it is not with my husband or family, they are great at the moment)(or with God). It is a big mix of various things and I’m going to try to unravel them on my own later.

I feel irritated and wound up and the only way I can describe it is with an almost electric type energy that makes me want to pace around. I think I just need to pour it all out in a rant to God and then he generally heals things and me and gives me his perspective and also clears my mind. But at the moment I feel restless and fed up (and no, it is nothing to do with the move either, I’m actually ok with that and looking forward to it).

So I need to pour out everything to God in worship and by sitting and walking and being with Him and writing things down. Then it will be ok. I’m glad I know him, before I knew him I couldn’t have done this.

I’m also going to get going and spend some good time with my kids, go to a cafe with J and baby. That is one of J’s favourite pastimes at the moment, take the dog out, get on the allotment, but God is the one who sorts it. Not doing this stuff…although it is great.

It is a bit personal, but I think part of blogging is being vulnerable and open…….no date to move yet, but will keep you informed.

 

Social Media is great…sometimes….but…

I’ve deleted facebook and messenger off the old phone and Ipad, I’ve been paying far, far too much attention to it during the day and I’ve decided to try just using the laptop for it and that is that.

It is all very useful and sometimes interesting, but I have decided to limit my time on them and try to get away from the got to deal with messages etc at once. When there actually is no need for it.

I want to be with my children during the day, to enjoy being with them, to be present, to be attentive, not distracted and so I am eliminating certain distractions. They are only this age once, and the time goes so, so fast. I know that because I already have one girl who is now grown up and in her early twenties. I still wonder where that time went and I sometimes regret working so much whilst she was young. However, regrets do nothing unless you learn from them, so I am attempting to learn from them.

I also don’t want my children having a mum who is constantly looking at her phone, I want them to have a good upbringing with good memories and not one where their parents were constantly ignoring them because social media was so much more important than that moment with them.

I’m still going to do this..I love doing this…I love writing and speaking to people on here, but my presence will just be a little more limited. Probably first thing and then maybe last thing. During the day I am going to attempt to stay off the social media platform. I’ve got into the rubbish habit of checking it and rechecking and it does not do me or my family any good.

I want to spend my time as well as I can and my family come first after God.

“…yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” (James 4:14)

Yes, I want to spend it well. I will make mistakes, I make many, but you know what, I am made for God and by God and I intend to do what I am here to do. Whatever that may be, and at the moment, that is being a wife and a mother.

This is purely reflective writing and is not intended as a judgement piece on anyone.

IMG_5679

Also, I used to read books, I used to draw, I used to play music and my flute. Where has all that gone? Gone in favour of staring at a screen? I don’t think so. Time to reinstate what is good I think. Time to have fun too!

See you all later!

 

The morning after!

So we are feeling a little bewildered this morning (and we did let it totally wreck our supposed date night last night). But in between feeling upset and thinking we are selling our house and don’t actually have anywhere to go (in theory). I am starting to feel more and more peaceful and secure. I believe God when he says he has somewhere good for us to go and I LOVE what a friend said yesterday which was “don’t cry over a Haribo egg when God has a box of chocolates”. (No offence Haribo, your products are lovely). So I am going to trust God in this, pray, see what happens and where we end up.

It is actually quite exciting and I am going to get on with the job of streamlining our stuff. Which I am generally not very good at and get lost in memories on looking at the vaguest of articles, for example – cups, old drawings, books, even old clothes and other things I cannot even think of at this moment. But a lot will have to go. We are contemplating actually selling most of our things and going up to wherever we end up in a van rather than hiring a removals company, but we are unsure about this and still contemplating it.

I don’t like wasting things either, so throwing things out is really not my bag. I like the recycle, make do and mend type life really. I also keep thinking what if it is false economy? but I do love the idea of not having a lot of “stuff” and going up in a van.

When I first moved out of home, I didn’t have much (not even a sofa) and I can remember it didn’t really bother me then. It was about 25 years ago though. So I think we need to make a list of what we could fit in a van and what we consider essential. I think some of Chris’s tools are probably more essential than a lot of the other belongings we have. So people who know us, you may see us selling things very soon! (more things).

Thank you for your support our lovely church family, who are praying for us, encouraging us and reminding us of God’s promises.  Thankyou to all our other lovely friends and family for your support too. We will keep you updated.