I have so much going round in my mind at the moment, so many different subjects, so many things! I could write a lot of stuff…but I’ll try not to…I try to write what’s relevent and filter out the stuff that doesn’t need sharing. I usually ask God whether it’s right to write what I’m writing or not and if it feels like it isn’t, I don’t write it.
In your anger, do not sin…keeps going round in my head at the moment, mainly because I’ve just had the revelation that I can actually be angry, I’m just not entitled to take it out on anyone else. The ESV (English Standard Version) puts it as “Be angry, and do not sin…” (Ephesians 4:26). Stuffing anger down is so bad for you, but unfortunately for me, I try and then have a tendency to blow. So I think, this is changing slowly, God is changing how I think about it and how I think about people. Somehow, I felt I had the “right” to be however I was, with whoever I was with and that isn’t right.
I’ve been reading about lamenting, it was a book by someone called Esther Fleece and called “no more faking fine”. It was great (I’ve now given it away) and reinforced to me that with God we don’t have to stuff anything down, we don’t have to fake fine and he actually wants us to give him our all, including our questions, anger, grief, everything…and in turn we learn more about Him, we get to know Him properly, no holds barred so to speak. It made me think of when I had a miscarriage in March 2014. I found it utterly heartbreaking, it took me a long time to recover and in some ways I feel like I am still recovering. I feel like I grieved to a point and then sort of thought you need to pull yourself together now and put a seal over it. Well meaning people said, don’t ask why, don’t question God. I think this advice was given in love, but I now think it’s wrong. We probably won’t be given the answers, but get it out there, ask God why!??! let rip to Him and see what He does. I can guarantee He will meet you with love and compassion (and that is an understatement). Allow yourself to grieve or be angry or whatever you are, and come to the God who loves you, tell Him everything, ask Him anything… He can take it…
(The move is slowly moving along by the way, hoping to have more news by the end of the week).
The bible tells us that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. No condemnation. None! But I know I often/usually do not live like this. So I’ve started a bible study through you version on it and am talking to God, doodling ideas and thoughts and generally asking God’s spirit to show me the truth.
I think through past stuff, things that have happened, things I’ve done I still hold onto feeling worthless when In fact the opposite is true, because of Jesus.
The Holy Spirit cleanses us from all unrighteousness and although we still do sin, in the bible study it pointed something out I’ve never thought of before – we now hate the sin, even though we may still do it. Isn’t that a gift!!!?? Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. Haha.
In other news, our littlest is now sleeping in his cot and It’s going fairly well. And he can now climb stairs and onto the settee. Nothing is safe any more! He climbed on this morning because his brother was sat there eating a banana and J then shared it with him. Which was nice!
I love these little parts of life. Watching them change and grow. Finding things out, learning things. It happens so fast at this age too. Life is most definitely a miracle.
I have got up early with Mr Toddler, the baby is asleep and so is the husband. I’ve been searching properties and feeling a bit sorry for myself. But also a bit excited about the fact the we don’t know where we are going. Is that weird? I like it in a lot of ways. We will keep looking and hopefully the right place will come up. In God we trust (often after trying to do everything our own way, haha), but He has plans we do not know about, they’re also more than a million times better/different than ours.
Although I have to admit I have had my moments of looking around where we live and at the allotment and thinking “what are we doing?!!” we have a nice place to live, somewhere fairly child friendly and an allotment just over the road. Then I think, but I don’t want to stay here, we want somewhere new. So new it will be.
Well, I’m going to start thinning down on our stuff today and hopefully spend some good time with the children. Josh is currently laid on the floor playing with some sort of construction set, watching tv.
It feels a bit weird that I’ve put in the opening page that this is hopefully the story of our family moving from Derbyshire to Shetland (or Orkney originally) when we actually don’t know that now. It is not the end of this story though…..
Loads of good has come out of it so far, Chris and I have travelled to Orkney twice (when normally we would not have even contemplated it and have never been before), Chris and his dad have been to Shetland. We have spoken to people we would not normally have spoken to, found out and researched information we would not normally have done and realised we were/are prepared to go into a life which would be totally different to the one we currently have. It has been quite an exciting year so far.
We may also have a gap where we don’t have a house to live in, when our house sale goes through. That feels strange…but freeing in a way, because we will have the money to buy somewhere without any hitches hopefully. Albeit not a massive amount, but some. It is so strange that we could have bought a croft on Shetland for the money we get for our terraced house but if we wanted to live in the Peak District we would need a lot more to even get a 2/3 bed house.
God bless you one and all! Time to get on with life here for the time being.
So! Suddenly contacted today by our Shetland solicitor, the seller is wanting to go through with the entry date to the croft being the 31st August. Brilliant news, but we haven’t even exchanged contracts on our house, that is only in about 4 weeks and we need the cleared funds to pay to our solicitor 2 days prior to this. So I contacted our English conveyancing people, they say they cannot do anything, they have sent everything off to our buyers solicitors so now Chris has rung the buyer to find out if there is any chance of completing in the near future. I feel so so stressed, it’s unbelievable. I couldn’t really ring him, Mr Toddler and baby were making more noise than at a football match. So we are awaiting our buyer ringing back….Please God can it all work together.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
ah God please.
The buyer rang Chris back and was very helpful and is going to pursue whether they can get a completion date on our house. He is going to ring Chris back when he knows more.
Phone call from our Shetland solicitor, the owners of the croft have pulled out of the sale of the croft to us because we cannot give a concrete date yet. They thought we were cash buyers (which we will be once our sale has completed, but we definitely have not got it before this). However, if we can get a date, she thinks we may possibly still be able to buy. We will see. Awaiting a call from our buyer. Hopefully soon. Hopefully with a date.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)
I’ve been thinking about this line, for the last couple of days. When I say thinking, I mean it has just been coming back to me in my quiet times and has been at the back of my mind.
I can be very emotional and when something upsets me or makes me angry, hurt just pours out of my mouth and then leaves me speechless and full of remorse afterwards for a while…well almost speechless…. Or! I clam up and store it all up and then explode at a later time. As moving house is supposedly one of the most stressful times in your life I suppose this is an apt post.
I really want to change my reactions, I’ve been thinking about how the only way this can change is to think about what actually upset me and deal with that (the root of the matter), because usually it is not actually the action or even words of the other, it is usually an association with some other event or hurt I have experienced, or even just plain selfishness when someone is stopping me doing something I want to do or even just tiredness! I also need the continual filling of the Holy Spirit and to rely on him, when I say also, I mean that needs to come first. I also need to be able to talk about whatever it is that is wrong calmly.
On our own we are not accepted by God, we have to come to him through Jesus and then we become fragrant and we live with God and through God. But there is still stuff we need to deal with. I love God, I need God. He is not a crutch as I used to think about Christians, He is real and the reason I need him is because we are made for him and by him. When we don’t know him we try and fill our lives with other things. Now I know Him I just want to be filled with Him and I become aware of my sin. Pouring out words indiscriminately is sin. But it hurts so much! when I feel unappreciated, unloved, tired, unfairly accused, put upon, completely confused with everything I feel I need to do.
All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.
He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth, like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth.
By oppression and judgment he was taken away; and as for his generation, who considered that he was cut off out of the land of the living, stricken for the transgression of my people? (Isaiah 53:6-8)
This is about Jesus and was written (prophesied) years before he lived and was crucified. He did not say a word despite being accused, oppressed and afflicted. He did not need or have to defend himself. He also did this for me so he became my righteousness. I do not need to defend myself, God is my defence. If I am guilty I need to say so, if I am not I do not need to say anything or even feel hurt. I do pray that God will give me the compassion to actually feel for the other person in this circumstance.
None of the previously mentioned upsets are reasons for not being kind. So I think I need to rethink. Stop doing things because I feel I have to and just enjoy being with my kids and husband. Meditating on scriptures and spending time with God is a must. So is accepting that I will sometimes get upset and hurt, I just want to sort out my reaction to it. My reaction is my responsibility, I want to operate from love not hurt or frustration.
I love my children, but I make so many mistakes and so often feel as though I’m getting it completely wrong. I read a post yesterday that I need to think about, it’s about how God leads those with young with gentleness. That what he want from you when you’re in this period of your life is gentleness. I thought it was a lovely post, I cannot find it again now for the life of me but when I do I will put a link up. It is normal stuff about playing with them/just being with them, going for general tidiness rather than sterility (as if) about meditating on scripture and just having this as a gentle time in your life, a time with them. As a person who tends to put extra stresses on herself, worry that she is not doing a good enough job and then tries harder (resulting in more anxiety) but then also get distracted by unimportant stuff this really spoke.
He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young. (Isaiah 40:11)