I have so much going round in my mind at the moment, so many different subjects, so many things! I could write a lot of stuff…but I’ll try not to…I try to write what’s relevent and filter out the stuff that doesn’t need sharing. I usually ask God whether it’s right to write what I’m writing or not and if it feels like it isn’t, I don’t write it.
In your anger, do not sin…keeps going round in my head at the moment, mainly because I’ve just had the revelation that I can actually be angry, I’m just not entitled to take it out on anyone else. The ESV (English Standard Version) puts it as “Be angry, and do not sin…” (Ephesians 4:26). Stuffing anger down is so bad for you, but unfortunately for me, I try and then have a tendency to blow. So I think, this is changing slowly, God is changing how I think about it and how I think about people. Somehow, I felt I had the “right” to be however I was, with whoever I was with and that isn’t right.
I’ve been reading about lamenting, it was a book by someone called Esther Fleece and called “no more faking fine”. It was great (I’ve now given it away) and reinforced to me that with God we don’t have to stuff anything down, we don’t have to fake fine and he actually wants us to give him our all, including our questions, anger, grief, everything…and in turn we learn more about Him, we get to know Him properly, no holds barred so to speak. It made me think of when I had a miscarriage in March 2014. I found it utterly heartbreaking, it took me a long time to recover and in some ways I feel like I am still recovering. I feel like I grieved to a point and then sort of thought you need to pull yourself together now and put a seal over it. Well meaning people said, don’t ask why, don’t question God. I think this advice was given in love, but I now think it’s wrong. We probably won’t be given the answers, but get it out there, ask God why!??! let rip to Him and see what He does. I can guarantee He will meet you with love and compassion (and that is an understatement). Allow yourself to grieve or be angry or whatever you are, and come to the God who loves you, tell Him everything, ask Him anything… He can take it…
(The move is slowly moving along by the way, hoping to have more news by the end of the week).